Truth Potions and Harry
by kerplank
Summary: Severus Snape is to become Harry Potter's guardian for the summer. Chaos follows. Unfortunantly, no real slash. No pairings, no romance. COMPLETE! Now with added back stories.
1. Chapter 1

Another one-shot. I am just so bored……

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Severus Snape was screwed. Extremely. He had just been assigned to watch over that Potter over the summer. The whole summer. At the Snape manor. Dumbledore had finally taken notice of how skinny and depressed Harry was from returning from the Dursley's. Ron and Hermione had had given an impassioned plea to have Harry to stay at the Weasley's, or at least somewhere that was not the Dursley's. This is where our twinkling Headmaster had the brilliant idea to have his two favorite boys in the same house all summer long. He should have known it wouldn't work.

"WHAT?" Harry could not believe what he had just heard.

"Harry, I am sorry, we were just trying to help…"

"Hermione, you have just doomed me to an ENTIRE summer with Snape. AT HIS HOUSE! How is that helping?"

This argument was taking place in the Gryffindor Common room. It was way past midnight, and even all of the stragglers had already gone to bed. Three days of school were left, before summer holidays. After forcing out where Ron and Hermione had gone, Harry was not pleased. Neither was Snape when he found out.

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Snape had been called up by Dumbledore to have a little "chat". A chat that almost always began with the offering of lemon drops, which Snape always declined. Then came the tea. If Albus offered tea first, then he had bad news. If his eyes were twinkling, then it would be bad news for Snape, but good news for Albus.

It was bad news. Snape could hardly believe what he ears had heard. Had Dumbledore really just said that he would be taking care of that blasted Potter for the summer vacation?

He had.

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Hermione could be really annoying sometimes. This was one of those times. "Harry! Ron! Stop playing! This is serious! Harry is going to be gone all summer and his things need to be packed! NOW! The leaving feast starts in ONE hour! Harry, you will be leaving right after. Snape said that your things needed to be packed!"

Hermione was flipping out. One of her best friends, who was like a little brother to her, was leaving to live with that..that man. She wouldn't go as far as to call him a blood-sucking overgrown bat, that was also an oily git, but she was certainly thinking of names along those lines.

Ron was terrified. He would never see Harry again. Well, if he did, Harry would be either one of the living dead, or dead dead. Not a good prospect. Yes, Harry might be the boy-who-lived that is all-powerful and just won't die, but there must be some limit to that. Its like a warranty, though Ron had no idea what that was. It was another one of those muggle things that Hermione had told him about.

Harry was not scared. Just annoyed, pissed, enraged and several other similar feelings. It may be better than spending the summer at the Dursley's, but actually, maybe not.

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The leaving feast was over. Already. When everyone had finally stood up for bed, (or partying) Harry went off to his miserable fate of staying with Snape. Snape was thinking to himself… 'If I slip some of that veritserum into Harry's pumpkin juice and simply say that Potter had tampered with my potions, somehow accidentally getting some in his juice, I may find several good blackmailing subjects.'

"Come along Potter, we haven't got all of the time in the world." Snape was leading Harry down to the dungeons where a portkey would activate and bring them to Snape manor. Harry was hurrying after him, trying to keep while wearing several sizes to big pants. They had a horrible habit of slipping down during impromptu moments. This was one of them. Harry tripped and grabbed onto the one thing that was there: Snape's robes.

"RIP!"

'Uh oh…' was all Harry could think. Here he was on the floor of the dungeons, with a handful of Snape's robes in his hand. Cloth that was no longer connected.

Snape had tried to keep himself calm, all the while just waiting to put the veritserum into Harry's drink. But some things are too much.

"POTTER!" Snape roared, turning on his heel, his tattered robe flowing out in Snape style. "Just WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY ROBES!" Snape was not an extremely vain man, if he had ripped the robe himself (which of course he never would) he would not have been angered. But since it was Potter, that bloody Potter who always had it out for him, just like his father, it made it into a catastrophe. And this was why Potter was extremely screwed.

"We will talk about this later, when we arrive at the manor. Until then, keep your mouth shut, no tripping, can you not even walk? Well, get up and follow me. We are already behind schedule."

Yep, Harry thought, I am definitely screwed.

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Snape Manor was impressive. But it was also dark, gloomy and covered in cobweb. The ivy stretched up the side of the building, winding up and around the one tower of the building, before it disappeared into the clouds. Very impressive. So when Harry stepped into the main hall, he was astonished to see that the inside was very nice. Clean, well lit, and completely free of cobwebs, the hall shone from the light of an elegant chandelier that was made of something other than glass or jewel. Harry stared at it. Who knew Snape was so rich? Harry thought, as he took in the many carpets and wall hangings, antiques and many other mind-boggling things.

"I see you have seen the Chandelier." Snape said, with an amused smirk on his face, " That Chandelier is made out of the tear drops of a dragon, very rare. One of my forefathers enjoyed making dragons cry. Not an easy feat, I assure you."

"You can make dragons cry? Harry said in amazement, forgetting momentarily of his animosity toward Snape.

"Why have I never heard of it?

The moment was ruined with Snape saying back "Because Potter, you know nothing, and don't you forget it."

Snape continued in, giving Harry many warnings of what not to touch.

"Potter, just don't touch anything" was Snape's retort after a fed up Harry wanted to know what he **could **touch.

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But Harry could ignore all past misdeeds by the room he was given. Compared to his other rooms, this was easily the room fit for something bigger than a king. This room compared to the normal size room was still magnificent. The colors in the room were a deep green with cream edgings. The walls were a nice dark green, with cream curtains. Green bed cover with cream sheets, and the floor was a forest, with cream patterns.

Harry was surprisingly enough not bothered by the green and cream décor. As he looked into the tall mirror that was on one side of his room, he said to himself "Well, at least it matches my eyes".

Snape was walking by Harry's room when Harry said this. Not being able to resist himself, he stepped into the room.

Harry hadn't noticed. Harry continued to preen a little in front of the mirror, noticing that he looked good. He was in middle of flexing his bicep when he felt a presence behind him. Looking up into the mirror, he let out a little EEP!

There was the big bat from hell himself. Snape was towering over Harry, glaring at him, with a snarl and a glare. It was glare number 56, the " take Harry down a step when he is showing off". It backfired.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA. You look funny professor."

"You think I look funny Potter? Remember my threat?"

Of course Harry was enjoying himself way too much. So he let his mouth get away from him.

"What threat professor? The one where you will kill me, maul me, or the one where you will blackmail me?"

"That's it boy, you are coming with me." Those ominous words were issued as Snape grabbed Harry by the back of the collar and dragged him to the dining room.

There, Harry was tied up. He didn't struggle. Now was a good time for Snape to find out that Harry had never ever actually stolen something from his stores. Harry was prepared to be given Veritserum and tell Snape everything. That is, he was before he knew what Snape was going to ask….

Snape walked back in, his robes snapping around behind him. In his hand he was holding a very small vial of the potion. He went straight to Harry, and seemed hesitant to administer the potion. But Harry, seeing his reluctance, chimed in, "Professor, I am completely willing to take that potion. Will you please give it to me?"

Taking Harry's reply for insolence, Snape growled and almost shoved the potion down Harry's throat.

He shouldn't have.

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A very shocked Snape exited the dining room several hours later. He could not begin to comprehend what he had just learned. Potter was not who he thought he was. No, he was much worse.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay people. I have actually FINISHED this supposed one-shot with the help of my lovely gorgeous cousin (not), who is now looking at me with a horrified expression. All random ideas or hateful things toward the lovely Severus Snape is credited to her. Look forward to the side story about two certain incidents in this story.

* * *

"Well. That was entertaining Master Snape!" Said a portly man who belonged in the portrait in the dining room, even though he was following Snape through the halls. Snape didn't want to hear it.

Potter's life should have been kept to himself. Who needed to know about him kissing Cho Chang. Why had the girl started girl starting to sob all over that Potter? 'Well' Snape thought to himself, 'it is Potter she was kissing. No wonder she was crying.'

The questioning had started out fine. The basic questions had been asked.

Did you steal ingredients?

Were you in love with Diggory?

Have you ever snogged Granger?

Did you have an illicit relationship with the Weasel?

Did the Dursleys beat you?

Were you a pampered fool?

Have you ever spent time as a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater?

A no, yes, maybe so, possibly, sometimes, not!, yes followed. Then both the questions and answers started getting stranger as Snape ran out of things to inquire. He wracked his brain, had he the curiosity, there may have been a whole slew of them, but he had spent years trying not to think about Harry Potter, or his disgusting father, James, so it was more difficult. It's true what they say, old habits die hard.

What ended the questioning was the response to a question that should not have been asked, or answered.

But the silly professor did not know what was good for his mental stability, and aided by the Veritersatum Harry had no way to not answer.

"What is your true, honest and complete opinion of me?"

The portraits fainted, one by one like a line of dominos.

"In all honesty, I think that you are a creepy, nosy old coot who harbors grudges for longer than they should be held, and who must be having an affair with Dumbledore for him to keep you so long. Oh, and there's something in your nose."

Severus Snape was at loss for words for the second time in his life. The first had to do with some interesting events pertaining to a rubber duck. Never had someone ever accused him of doing such a base, vile thing in his life. Well, there was the rubber duck incident, but that was an altogether different story.

Slightly muffled by his pasty hand, which was now clutching his over-sized nose, he muttered, "Why would you ever think that?!!?!?!?!?"

Harry trembled and tried to keep his mouth shut, but eventually, the power of that abominable potion forced his mouth open.

"I was in your bathtub, and I heard him talking to you…" he tried again in vain to keep his mouth closed, but to his horror, his voice was heard again.

"He said that he had a really fun time last night, and asked if you could do it again sometime." Harry said, his voice strangled as he remembered the tone of Dumbledore's voice.

A million questions ran through Snape's mind, but somehow, the one that popped out was "You were in my bathtub?"

"Uh, well you see…" Harry stammered. "I was hiding from Colin Creevey, he demanded a nude photo, and wouldn't let me alone until he got one, and then there was this tapestry that I tried to hide behind. And wouldn't you know it, but there was a secret passageway to a bathroom. "

"Then, I heard someone coming towards the bathroom door, and I dove into the tub. Turns out it was you and Dumbledore."

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Snape's greasy hair nearly stood on its ends. What had Potter heard that made him believe that he and the Headmaster were doing anything non-camp appropriate?

Oh. Yes. There had been the time when they had acted like children, brewing some cheering potions that went awry. That had been amusing enough to even make a smile come upon Snape's face.

But how could that have been taken so badly? Unless Potter had not heard the whole conversation… (Which he hadn't. As soon as heard that little tidbit, he got out of the tub so fast, he slipped and fell.)

Snape had had enough. It was time for this "interview" to end. He walked forth, gave Potter the antidote, and left the dining room with a shocked expression. Potter was most definitely not who he thought he was.

* * *

Harry sat in the dining room for a bit longer. How could that interrogation gone so wrong? What had happened to his marvelous plan of to make Snape no longer hate him to such an extreme? Then he had to open his mouth about the whole Headmaster/Snape suspicion that was really only something that he had made up to amuse himself.

The summer was going to be horribly long now, but at least the Manor was large enough that they could easily avoid the other. Ugh. How embarrassing.

Now he was going to have to go apologize to Snape and hope he was merciful. (Not likely).


	3. Rubber DUcky Incident

­1This story, like so many others revolving around a certain Severus Snape, begins with 'once upon a dungeon.'

It was a perfectly normal potions lesson with the Marauders on one side of the room, and poor Sev on the other. I don't have to tell you which was paying attention.

While Severus diligently took notes on the lecture about the dangers of mixing too much murtlap essence with too few doxy wings, the Marauders, as infamous for their good looks as for their short attention spans, were focused on a peice of paper.

It was a marvelous little paper, actually, with one word written on it.

The one word was written in slightly less than tidy writing, and actually, it had been written more than a few years ago.

They were saving it.

But the time had come to read out the bit of latin, and try it out.

This particular duty was given to Sirius, since he was the bravest about these things... and he had the shortest attention span.

And he won the coin toss.

Yes, he and James were still trying to get more detentions than the other, and no, they couldn't decide who got this one.

As always, the ever merciful two-headed coin figured it out for them.

Sirius Black lifted his wand, his fingers twitching with anticipation.

He murmured the spell as quietly as he could, and a purple bit of light zoomed over in their favorite crash test dummy's direction.

Moments later, Severus jumped back from the parchment that he was previously three centimeters away from.

There was something in front of him.

Something rubber.

With a beak.

It was a rubber duck.

After Severus recovered from the rubber ducky, he leaned forward again to continue copying every word in the endless tumble of voice spilling from the over-indulgent professor.

Sadly, only two words were written when the ducky floated up, up, up, all the way to eye level with Severus... or, what would have been eye level, if he was looking up.

Sirius began to frown. Why wasn't it-

Oh, there it went.

"I am your bestest friend!" Sang the Rubber Ducky. Startled, Severus looked up, right into the glowing eyes of what he considered a demonic duck.

And then it really began to sing, in a voice that was bordering on shrieking.

(Sing along, if you must.)

"He was a boy, she was a duck,

"Can I make it anymore obvious!

She wanted him, he wanted her,

What more can I say…" §

And the song continued, every last embarrassing moment of it. When it had finished, Severus was blushing more than he ever had before, and was left absolutely speechless. No biting remarks from him, in this state of mind.

And there was more.

As soon as the song had finished, what was one evil duck, split into not, one, but **_TWO_** parts. There was now three rubber duckies. Those three gathered a big breath, and exhaled into a repeat of the song just sang.

The entire class by now was dying with amusement. People were trying to get into the potions class, to see what the fuss was about. Those lucky enough to be tall enough, or pushy enough, were a mix between entirely too amused, and a bit befuddled. When the song ended for the second time, once more did the ducks replicate. Each of the three ducks split into two more parts. There was now altogether, 9 ducks.

Severus had had enough. He scrambled out of his desk, falling on his way out. People refrained from helping him up, and instead stuck out their feet to make life a bit more difficult for him.

At long last, he was able to escape the demon ducks from hell, or at least a burning place of rubber.

Or so he thought.

While he was escaping, the ducks had lined up into a nice orderly line and followed placidly behind Severus. The marauders ran not far behind, chuckling along the way.

Severus had no idea what to do. He had noticed the rubber ducks after they had started another round of the song. Not too much later, out of the corner of his eye he could see the ducks divide for a third time. There was now a total of 29, yellow singing rubber ducks.

He ducked into the nearest bathroom and slammed the door shut before the ducks could get in. He could hear them thud against the door as he slid down the door, wiping the sweat off of his brow. 'Thank Merlin that was over' he thought. But now, he was stuck there until someone made the ducks go away. And they were still singing away right outside of the door, pausing only to make more.

It was then Severus actually looked at where he was. A familiar ghost was coming up to him, sniffling along the way. With a grimace, he realized that he had wandered into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. And there was no way out of it now.

Remus Lupin was rather pleased with him self. His idea had worked spectacularly. Since he was the only one of the four with decent hand writing, he was the one to record the pranks in the log.

With a flourish, he wrote:

_**Prank 742: Rubber Duckies verses Snivellus––– A perfect success!**_

§ Song is Avril Lavigne, Skater Boy.

Silly song, silly story. All thanks to me and my lovely cousin.


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